Author: thorens

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t seem to apply today’s technology to improve the accuracy of the calls made by a football official. I suppose I’m a kill-joy for suggesting such improvements because part of the drama is the debate that opposing fans engage in when a questionable call is made. I think there will always be ‘unclear’ judgments made by those beloved ‘blind zebras’ but when it comes to pinpointing where exactly the ball is on the field I think they can do much better. Hey, this is the sport that gave instant replay a second chance so I think these ideas are worth the commissioner’s consideration.

I’ve always thought the casual toss of the referee’s bag to mark the location of a downed ball or a penalty was laughable. Why not arm him with something that will make this mark more definitive? With an air-powered ‘Officiator’, the referee could load the correct color magazine into this lightweight sidearm and fire directly into the turf with laser-guided accuracy. At least then Joe Running Back might think twice about attempting to snake that ball ahead a few more yards after the ref’s whistle calls the play dead.

Or how about that ‘close call’ on fourth down? You know, where the field officials signal to the chain gang to bring out their ‘highly accurate’ equipment to see how many inches short of the first down the offense’s drive is. Really?! Why can’t we develop a ‘smart’ football whose inner lining consists of a GPS studded polymer mesh ensuring that every inch of the ball can be tracked. The field could also be equipped with a corresponding subterranean GPS grid marking each yard of playable area. With this space-age system in place we wouldn’t have to watch ten solid minutes of slow motion replay footage from every angle to determine whether or not the fullback ‘broke the plane’ of the end zone (let alone watch referees fire colored flags from air-powered pistols).

The fans’ loyalty to these teams ensures that the players make bazillions of dollars. Rather than hike ticket prices further to adopt these changes I would suggest that a percentage of the players’ ginormous salaries be used to invest in these technological improvements. After all, when a ‘bad call’ is made, it’s their stats that get affected by it.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can’t wait for this election season to end. The constant deluge of negative campaigning is enough to trample any voter’s hopes for a better tomorrow. Whatever happened to the ‘Results You Can Believe In’ campaigns where a candidate’s positive resume of qualifications were the reasons to vote for them? Instead the status quo in political advertising seems to be go well beyond civilized banter to full-on, double-fisted, slanderous, mud-slinging rants that make the local grocer’s tabloid aisle an uplifting read.

It used to be that a candidate seemed to avoid the verbal endorsement on any ad that got this nasty in favor of having their respective party pick up the responsibility for such drivel but now it seems Joe Politician will gladly ‘approve this message’. Whatever happened to respect and accountability? Personally I’d think more highly of a candidate that exercised self-control and didn’t stoop to the level of their competition to play the ‘blame game’.

I can empathize with all those trick-or-treating kids whose imaginative costumes have been cloaked in winter gear over the years. As I recall, Halloween in North Dakota seldom delivered the picturesque Rockwellian magic advertised by movies, cartoons and packaging. Instead you became accustomed to having to explain what you were supposed to be to every house you stopped at. “Oh! You’re a pirate, eh? I thought you were a deer hunter with a sword. Must be all that blaze orange.”

Considering the brevity of this childhood rite of passage, I’m surprised more kids haven’t fully embraced our hearty northern Halloween climate and adopted costumes that accommodate the layers of bundled warmth required by doting parents. Costumes like the Lambeau Field Cheesehead, Nanook the Eskimo Hunter or the classic –  Frosty the Snowman. Sure, none of them are traditional or scary but neither is Optimist Prime wearing a winter coat, hat and mittens.

One of the coolest science projects I remember doing as a kid was the infamous baking soda and vinegar volcano. All-in-all this simple experiment using all household ingredients promised an exciting non-toxic reaction – which it did repeatedly without fail. Spending hours creating a realistic-looking volcanic peak out of clay seemed ridiculous considering the real pleasure came from dumping the ingredients inside it. I’m sure there was a lesson in there somewhere about how chemicals react with one another, but as any sixth grade boy bent on destruction could tell you: ‘who cares, it’s COOL!’

One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten was investing young (thanks, Dad). And while I am well aware that I don’t have all the answers when it comes to investing or have the skills to brave the toughest financial storms (that’s why I use a financial advisor), I do know that living within your means will afford you more financial independence than you ever imagined. Striving to be debt-free isn’t easy, but it’s something I think everyone can do if they really want to – regardless of income level. That’s my two cents.

I don’t think about it much, but I feel fortunate to have the hair I do. It’s been said that baldness is a genetic trait that is carried by the mother. I’m no biologist but I’ve always understood that to mean that if your mother’s father was a cue ball, most likely you would be too. Thankfully my maternal grandfather wasn’t. The strange part is I have cousins who were pretty much bald by the time they were thirty – and their mother had the same grandfather. Yikes!

This sketch is loosely based on my memories of Biology and Chemistry. I actually didn’t mind dissecting dead critters (‘Mickey’ Rat included) but really hated that Formaldehyde smell. Chemistry was a completely different story. I had very little passion for balancing molecular equations and memorizing how many available electrons existed in the outer orbit of an element’s atom. Ionic compounds be damned! I don’t know how many elements there are in the Periodic Table anymore but 103 seemed like an unused number. If not, ‘St’ could stand for ‘Stupidium’.

I suppose if a Mad Scientist were to get involved with your sixth grade science project it would most likely go wrong. I know it’s cliche, but I couldn’t resist – it was the first thought that came to mind. What exactly is so funny? Nothing. He’s MAD! Mad, I tell you!

After two weeks of waiting, I finally received the Moleskine I sent for to participate in the “Sketchbook Project: 2011 Tour”. Participants choose from the list of possible themes (Help!; Jackets, blankets, and sheets; It’s raining dogs and cats; Revenge; Trading forever; Dirigibles and submersibles; Capture the flag; … you’d be home by now; Make mine a double; In 5 minutes…; Adhere to me; Coffee and cigarettes; Boys and girls; The greatest story ever told; Science project gone wrong; Down your street; Secret codes). I simply couldn’t decide and I found myself choosing ones that I thought would be easiest. In the end, I chose ‘random’ and let them choose a theme for me, so now I’m challenged with filling this 84 page sketchbook with images relating to a ‘Science Project Gone Wrong’ by January 15th. I’m kind of looking forward to it but also a little frightened what might come out of it. This should be interesting.

I remember when the ‘Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon’ was the television event of the weekend. For years Americans have tuned in to watch an all-star cast of entertainers perform for the sake of raising money for Jerry’s kids and the Muscular Dystrophy Association. I don’t remember ever camping out in front of the television to watch this (though on rainy days like today it’s very likely we did), but do recall my parents occasionally tuning in to see fellow Rat Packers like Sinatra, Martin and Davis Jr. all perform. Seeing a very sweaty and tired-looking Lewis come out with his bow-tie undone and his collar open during the closing minutes of the telethon is burned into my memory. His sincerity and passion for MDA is incredible and to see him continue this tradition at 84 is equally impressive.